These past few years, I have felt a continuous gust of wind twirling me in every direction … “Will this whirlwind ever end?” I asked myself.
I feel like these past 5.5 years (since becoming a mom), but even more since our twins were born 3.5 years ago, I haven’t had a moment to really stop and breathe. Truly.
When the twins were born, my oldest daughter just turned 2, I just started my company, we were trying to figure everything out from raising 3 children, finances, friendships, marriage, relationships, family, etc. It was pure CHAOS!
Now, the girls are getting older and we’re in activities, kindergarten, I’m still trying to figure out my company, I still carry guilt that I don’t have a full time job to make more money and help out more with the finances, etc. etc. etc. The list goes on and on about the craziness in our life and how I am not allowing myself to stop and evaluate my life and everything that’s involved in it.
I was re -reading my posts about my twin pregnancy tonight, trying to think of a post I wanted to write about. I CRIED and then I CRIED some more. It seems so long ago that I was pregnant with the girls. Going through it all, the ups/downs/ scary moments. Than I think about my oldest daughter and everything we put her through during the pregnancy and after … and I started CRYING again. Clearly, I’m a bit emotional tonight.
So I’ve been sitting here in front of my computer for an hour .. yes an hour thinking about what these past few years have meant to me and what I’ve learnt and what I still need to learn.
WHAT I HAVE LEARNT
- Don’t take life for granted … you never know what curve ball you might be thrown
- Don’t take your health or you children’s/spouse/ friend’s health for granted ; be blessed if you are healthy
- I need to go with the flow or else I’ll be more of a crazy mess
- All things happen for a reason – I might not know what that is right now, but one day it’ll all make sense
- Speaking up and voicing my opinion
- I don’t need to be superwomen and do everything myself
- Realize my girls look up to me and everything I do or say will influence them and who they grow up to be – this has a huge weight on my shoulder as a parent
- Starting your own company is a lot of work, hard work, really hard! I started my company because I didn’t want to forget who I was as a mom. I didn’t want to lose everything I was taught in University. I wanted to educate others about health and wellness. I have high dreams, but those dreams turning into reality are happening a lot slower than I thought. After having 3 children under the age of 2 … I put my vision of expanding my company on hold … until NOW!
- Ask for help – I am still learning this one
- You know who your true friends are after having children. This was a hard one to learn. I had a lot of girlfriends before I had my oldest daughter, but I lost a lot of them. Why? I changed I guess … my schedule revolved around my baby now and couldn’t go out last minute for drinks (which led to me being invited out less often). I didn’t have a lot in common anymore with some of them (some were work friends that talked about work, and I talked about poop explosions). I felt alone and frustrated. I felt angry that these friends didn’t see that I needed them now more than ever. I guess that’s where I needed to ask more for help from them!
- Meeting new mom friends post baby was HARD!! I remember going to a mom’s group when my oldest daughter was 3 months old. I showered that morning (mom win!), got a Starbucks and went out. My daughter slept the whole time I was there. I sat there enjoying my coffee and trying to engage in the conversation. BUT … I got the judgement look from some of the other moms. The judgement look! The look of how dare you sit there enjoying your coffee while your baby sleeps while I struggle with breast feeding and changing a poopy diaper. I truly offered to help some of the moms, but they clearly didn’t want my help. That was my first taste of meeting new moms. I left that group swearing to myself that I would not sign up for another moms group again … and I didn’t. Instead, I started my own company, and I met amazing moms, who are now my friends, through my company – and I’M SOOOOOOOO thankful for them. Maybe it was easier because we all had something in common. Maybe it was easier because I was in my comfort zone and was more open and welcoming … whatever it was … it made me a lot happier
WHAT I STILL NEED TO LEARN
- Take time for myself
- Taking care of my health and wellness – I’ve been dealing with low iron and being hypothyroid for awhile now and it’s driving me nuts trying to figure all of this out and if I want to go the doctor route or the natural path route or both.
- Go and do the things I used to enjoy doing before kids
- Letting go the mentality that I need to pull equal weight financially in our household – this is a hard one. I am an independent person, and like the idea of having my own money and paying for bills etc. But that’s kind of hard to do when you’re not making a lot of money and you’re husband is working full time and making the money to support us.
- Asking for help – oh boy … I don’t know if I’ll ever really get this one. I hate bothering people … especially having 3 children … I hate asking someone to watch my 3 girls so I can go to an appointment (so I bring them with me instead). I also don’t have a lot of family in Edmonton to help me out .. so financially it’s hard to always pay for someone to come and watch your children.
- STOP and BREATHE
- Challenging myself more – I need to read more. I need to take courses in my field that challenges my knowledge in the health and fitness industry.
- Finding a balance. I don’t know if this is even possible. I need to find a balance of being a wife, mom, friend, me time, volunteering, etc.
- Figuring out what I want my company to be – cause I have A LOT of ideas … it’s time to narrow them down what I all want to focus my energy on without losing my passion for what I do!
- Not taking “NO” or “THAT’S JUST THE WAY IT’S ALWAYS BEEN DONE” for an answer. I need to learn. I need to ask questions. I need to understand the why. I need to know why unhealthy snacks are acceptable in a school. I need to voice my opinion and educate others about the health and wellness of our children and ourselves!
So NOW WHAT?
I need to sit down with myself, my husband, my children, and maybe even a psychologist and figure this all out. Life is too short for stressing over the little things. Stressing over the big things. Waiting for the right moments. Dwelling over what could have been. I need to take more ownership on myself and figuring out what I want. I feel that we put ourselves in the back seat when we become a mom and forget who we are. I don’t think it’s necessarily a bad thing to be a bit selfish when we become parents – as long as you make healthy choices and you are still considerate and think about how your choices will affect others around you.
So to all of you that are feeling the same way. MAKE A LIST. WHAT have you learnt in the past x amount of years? WHAT do you still need to learn? You will start to get a more clear picture about your life after you do.