30 Years Later: I Still Miss My Mom

30 years ago, I woke up to words that no 7 year old should hear, “Your mom has passed away.”

In that moment, I remember closing my eyes and remembering my last memory with my mom.  I laid beside her on her hospital bed, giving her a huge hug and told her I loved her. We were the only ones in the room, pure silence as she couldn’t really talk at the end of her 7 year battle with cancer and having a brain tumour.  She looked at me, smiled, and we laid together until my dad said it was time to go.  30 years later, I can still feel that hug, that smile and that love my mom had for me and our family.

I still get emotional when I talk about my mom. She was pregnant with me, child #5, when she knew there was something not right about how she was feeling and the symptoms she was experiencing.  Mom was a nurse and I guess  had a good gut instinct because after I was born, the doctors diagnosed her with a brain tumour. After all the chemo and surgeries she went through, they couldn’t seem to clear all the cancer cells.  She lived life and fought for 7 years! I honestly still work through the guilt I have about her cancer and how maybe she could have treated it earlier if she wasn’t pregnant with me and might be still be alive today.

This year has been emotionally hard for me.  My oldest daughter is 7 years old and the memories that have flooded back about my mom and how this was the age I was when she died really has put my life more into perspective. I don’t have time anymore to worry about all the petty things in life.  To deal with toxic friendships. To compare myself to others, whether that is professionally or as a mother, or to care about what others think about me. What I do care more about are my kids, my family and my health. By refocusing my energy on the important things in life has made me a happier and calmer person!

 

Life is too short. It is time to ENJOY our life!

 

My mom was a kind, loving and caring person. She always put her family first and made it a priority to get together with our extended family on holidays and celebrations. She also loved to spend time with her children and made us feel important when she was with us.  These are my 2 favourite memories with her:

  1. Going to aerobics class:  I would either sit in the corner, eating a treat that the instructor brought for me, or I would secretly do the workout moves when no one was watching!  I can recall watching these women workout, laugh and talk about their lives during class. Mom would say that this was her community of women she surrounded herself with that made her feel happy. (This is what started my love and passion for exercise!)

 

This is a letter my mom wrote to my aunt when I was 3 years old!

 

 

2. Going for nature walks and feeding the chickadees.  Mom loved nature and we were always outside. Whether it was camping, skiing, skating or walking in nature.  The smile and laughter on her face really showed that she loved being in the fresh air, and we did too! We would go on numerous walks with bird feed and chickadees would land on our hands to eat.  Every time I hear the beautiful song a chickadee sings, I know that my mom is near watching over us and keeping us safe.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

She also loved to write poetry and I wanted to share it with you here (this is the original copy she gave me. I love it the most because it has her handwriting on it!)

 

 

I wish I got to know my mom better. To ask her all the life questions I have. To talk about motherhood and wondering what advice she would have given me. I wish that she was here with me when I had a hard day and reassured me that everything will be OK.  I wonder if she would have told me to smarten up when I was making mistakes or just let me make mistakes and learn from them. I wish that our daughters had their grandma here to read them stories and bake with them in the kitchen.

 

Life is just not fair sometimes.

 

After being at my friend’s moms funeral last week, I started thinking about a few questions: How will I be remembered when I die one day? What memories will my daughters have about me or with me? Have I made a difference in someone’s life or the world? Do I live my life to the fullest or am I too afraid to take chances? What core values are the most important to me and  am I staying true to them?  These are questions we should all be asking ourselves.  We are on this Earth for a reason and I hope that we find our purpose and are being true to who we are!

 

We only have 1 life to live.

Let’s make every moment, every memory and every action or word matter. 

 

xo Rachelle

 

 

Momentum Health & Wellness

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